A Letter to My ExHusband

 A Letter to My ExHusband:

Not Dear. To, You.

Thank you.

Thank you for showing me just how strong I could be. Stronger than the times you held me down. Stronger than the stink of whiskey on your long-not-brushed teeth. Stronger than your determination to make me small, shrink me down. Thank you for showing me that I am strong both in my body and in my heart that beats strong, despite how many times you made me feel that it might be better off not beating at all.

Thank you for showing our son what it means to be a father. A father doesn't just show up for sports events - a father cheers from the stands, smiles with each victory. The man I married after you did that. You sometimes did not even show up. Our son saw this. You showed our son that a father will be there at every awards ceremony, decorate the house for every birthday, plan special trips just for father and son, no moms allowed. Our son's step-father does all of that. Do you think that text message last year was enough? You made it clear - a parent who loves and cares for their child will move the sun and stars to get their child's needs met, and more than a few wants. Our son witnessed me do that each and every time you failed to provide - pants too small, no coat on cold days, no lunch sent to school. I was given the chance to be both mother and father and I did my best. Thank you for giving me the chance to show our son, that he was worth doing the work of two people. 

Thank you for putting alcohol and other women, other children, first. You showed me that a marriage in which I am disrespected, in which our own child is made to sleep in places unfamiliar, alone and afraid while you have a carnal need met, that is not a marriage that I will tolerate. You taught me that I deserve better. I am worth more than what you are able to ever provide. Thank you for showing me how to see my worth and the importance of not settling for anything less.

Thank you for the long run. For showing me that being vulnerable in speaking my truths, placing my shame and scars in the sun, is so much sweeter than the bitter upkeep of lies. The stories you constructed when I left sent relatives to my phone, distant familiars to ask my parents for personal information, sent accusations to my ears. I was the one who did wrong, I was a liar. I held fast, kept quiet and endured, you taught me that. You taught me that what I went through was shameful, that no one would listen to me. Your lessons taught me to find the answers for myself, seek out what would really happen if I told the truth. Thank you for showing me that in the long run, the truth is what lasts, and those who listened will always stand by my side, as the lies crumble and fade, showing the accusor to be the biggest liar of them all. 

Thank you for your lack of caring. Years of not having birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, asking if I may have money to buy myself something to wrap and mark "From your husband", years of asking if I can have money for medicine, textbooks, school supplies, our son's medical appointments. You showed me where my priorities sit, that education, health, encouraging not only my own but also our son's personal growth all have meaning, priority. You showed me that a man who carefully creates holiday memories, who delights in giving small surprises, will be a man who is worthy of holding my hand and heart. You showed me that man is not you. Thank you for showing me that a man who cares will show it in words and actions, as my current husband does. 

Most of all, thank you for giving me the best opportunity in this entire world - the opportunity to show our son that regardless of how someone treats you, you have worth. That even if someone is related to you by blood, they do not determine your path, they do not determine your place in this world. If someone can not recognize your good, then that is a reflection of them, not you. You gave me the chance to be mother and father to an amazing person, a young man with ideas, interests, and dreams all his own. A young man who shows concern when I am sick, not indifference. A young man who writes letters of encouragement to those he loves. A young man who is creative, smart, funny. and brave. You gave me the one person who gave me a reason to keep living when you tried your hardest to extinguish my light.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be a better parent to our son than you could ever dream of being. 

I have spent over a decade putting up with your accusations, your excuses, your bitter resentments. I could have ended up like you - bloated and sick with my disgust and a nastiness turned outward to the world. Thank you for showing me that life is more important than that and that I am better off for all the hatred I withstood, the fears I faced, and the battles I had to fight. 

Thank you for proving just how much better off our son and I am for having left you.